Chaos | Self Portraits

My soul wasn’t created to be composed; it wasn’t made to fit into boxes, to follow timelines, to be orderly, to be dainty. I came into this lifetime screaming and I’ve been screaming ever since. 

Screaming to be seen, screaming that I feel, that I feel so much most of the time that I can’t possibly be anything but my emotions. I was intentionally created with love full to bursting, and this world taught me that love was the fast track to unbearable pain. 

I shrunk myself and transfigured myself unnaturally to try to be what everyone told me I needed to be. I learned that I was somehow too much and not enough at the same time. 

I came into this lifetime screaming and I’ve been screaming ever since. I will not be tied down by the darkest corners of my past. I was made a warrior responsible for this immense love I carry and the weight of the inevitable pain that comes with that responsibility. 

On January 6th, 1412, Jeanne d’Arc was born in the French countryside and 19 years later, she was burned at the stake for following what she knew to be true to her deepest, purest self. Born screaming and died screaming. Alive with a fiery passion and perished in the flames. 

582 years later, in rural Maryland, I came into the world under the crescent moon. Chaotic, beautiful, and connected to the stars. A daughter of God, a soldier of Christ. Born with fight coursing through my veins, born under strong footed, pure hearted women. 

Made with a bellowing battle cry. Designed to be soft in love and resilient to war. I will not allow evil to turn me permanently to stone. 

Bird’s Eye Speedwell are the first wildflowers to bloom in Spring at home. They aren’t native here, but they flourish before any other signs of life after the Winter. Impossible to miss, yet effortless, stunning, and they spread their beauty rapidly. A reminder that even in death, in isolation, in blackness, in Winter on the Earth and within ourselves, there is hope. There is a lot to be said by a simple wildflower fighting to not only survive, but spread beauty and magic where it doesn’t feel at home. 

Such is my life on this Earth. 

Copyright © Annie Velenovsky Photography 2020
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